Sleep Learning Method #4–Gentle Sleep Training with The Kinder Method
This blog post is the fourth in my series on Sleep Training (Sleep Learning) Methods. You can find the previous posts here, here, and here.
The Kinder Method was developed by Andrea Strang of the Child Sleep Institute . Her book explaining this method in detail will be released sometime in the next 12 months. It is based on the behavioral fading method.
Understanding The Kinder Method
The Kinder Method is a gentle sleep training method that involves parental presence. However, unlike methods such as The Sleep Lady Shuffle, The Kinder Method eliminates your VISIBLE PRESENCE in the room. For those children who are extremely alert to everything around them, this method can work well.
With this method, your baby is supported and not alone while they learn a new skill. And you can see results in 3-5 nights. It is suitable for babies 4 months old up to 20 months old.
I have used The Kinder Method many times as I have worked overnight with children in their homes. (I offer in-home support for 3 nights to families in my area as an add-on to my sleep plans.) I have also helped parents implement this method themselves, with positive results.
The Kinder Method Step-by-Step
There are 2 phases in this method. Nights 1-3 offer constant, consistent support to learn sleep skills. Nights 4 –> going forward involve gradual weaning/fading of support to encourage independent sleep.
Parent does bedtime routine (3-5 calming steps).
Implementing a predictable routine at bedtime helps babies anticipate what’s coming. Moving a feeding to the beginning of the routine (and outside of baby’s room) helps with the process of learning a new way to go to sleep.
2. Parent puts baby down in crib awake and aware (at a “10”).
In order to help a baby learn how to get to the sleeping state on their own, your baby must start from an alert state. Allowing your baby to become too drowsy during the bedtime routine can actually disrupt the learning process.
3. Parent pretends to leave the room, but then ducks down where baby cannot see them.
When I implement this method for parents, I am already in the room, and I use a sheet to cover myself. For parents, this might seem silly or weird. But trust me – once your baby is falling asleep on their own it will be worth it! I sometimes suggest that the parent who is going to do the coaching overnight conceal themselves and allow the other parent to implement the bedtime routine.
4. When baby cries/fusses, respond using the Kinder Method protocol (below); response should be as loud and as long as baby cries/fusses.
From my experience, I find that the first night can be tough on parents, but the beauty of this method is that the parent is able to lend support through the use of their voice and their touch. Your baby may not be able to see you, but they definitely can recognize you through their other senses. Supporting your child while they learn a new skill. You are gradually handing over more of the responsibility for how your baby falls asleep to your baby. It gradually becomes THEIR JOB to fall asleep, NOT YOURS.
“PRO TIP: For the shushing support, I use a YouTube video of a woman making the shushing noise constantly for hours! This allows me to turn the volume up and down as needed to match the level of crying/complaining. At the same time, I can be using KEY SLEEP WORDS, like “it’s time for sleep” or “it’s night-night time.””
Phase 1 Protocol: Constant Support
Night 1: Shushing, key comfort words and possibly patting/touching.
Night 2: Shushing, key words – whichever is most effective. No touching (if possible).
Night 3: Shushing OR key words (not both) – whichever is better.
Depending on the wake time you have set for your baby, your goal each day is to make it to at least 6:00 am, possibly later. Normal wake times for babies fall between 6:00 am and 7:30 am. It is okay to push baby a little further every few days to gradually make it to 6:30 or later. When baby wakes (or at 6:30), you do a Dramatic Wake (over-the-top, exuberant excitement when you enter the room). However, if baby sleeps later, you can decide to wait until 7:00/7:30 am to do the Dramatic Wake.
Phase 2 Protocol: Gradually Weaning
Night 4: Wait 5 minutes (or so), then shush consistently to sleep (shushing can also be done intermittently at this point). [These wait times are somewhat arbitrary and are easily changeable. If you’re more comfortable with a shorter increase of time, then do so. You could decide to increase each night’s wait time by 2 minutes and see how it goes. You can also keep the same wait time for 2 nights in a row if you’re more comfortable with it. The main idea is to continue moving forward, not stopping for more than 3 nights at the same time interval.]
Night 5: Wait 10 minutes, then shush consistently (or intermittently).
Night 6 & beyond: Can continue adding 5 minutes or always respond at the 10-minute mark. Completely flexible to parent’s comfort level. (Just don’t go backwards!)
Are there advantages to The Kinder Method?
Yes, there are!
· For most babies, sleep improves in 3-5 nights. It is a fact that parents tend to lose momentum if a training method takes too long. This method produces measurable results quickly!
· It is a supportive method that works well for alert infants because you have taken away the stimulation that can occur when your baby can see you.
· You are able to stay with your baby – it doesn’t feel like a stark change if you’re able to lend your support.
· You, as the coach, are able to rest during the coaching. What does that look like? I suggest setting up a bed (blow-up mattress, or some sofa cushions) on the floor right next to the crib. Have everything you may need within reach, including the baby monitor, so you can observe and make notes on what your baby does to soothe him/herself to sleep.
· If you need a break, it is pretty straightforward to let someone else do the coaching. Either parent can step in, or perhaps a grandparent (or sleep coach!), to take over for a night so that parents can recharge their batteries to continue the coaching process.
· It improves bedtime and nighttime waking. Once your baby figures out how THEY want to fall asleep, you will see them do it throughout the night. The way a baby falls asleep at bedtime is the way they will fall back to sleep in the middle of the night.
· Another advantage of this method is that it is easy to work in a night feeding or two, if you’re not ready to wean all overnight feeds. You just set your parameters around it! For instance, I usually recommend younger infants to keep one feeding overnight as they adjust to the new routine. This feeding is planned for the first wakeup that occurs after midnight – and you respond to that wakeup right away with the feeding.
Are there disadvantages to The Kinder Method?
Here are a few items to think through to make sure this is the right choice for your family.
· As with most sleep training methods, your child is likely to cry. On the first night the crying can last a pretty long time. But there are tools you can use to mitigate that, too. Ask me about those tools!
· It can feel kind of silly as an adult to sneak around, hiding under a sheet so your baby can’t see you. (But it helps achieve your goal!)
· Especially on those first few nights, someone needs to be present each time the baby wakes, ready to coach baby through it. This can make for a long night for the parent who is coaching. BUT, either parent can coach, and so can others! Are grandparents willing to help? Can you hire a Night Sleep Coach to implement the plan for you?
Don’t Forget the Basics of Any Sleep Training Method
If you plan to implement any sleep training method, there are certain decisions to make in advance of implementation.
How do you plan to approach a nighttime feeding?
How do you plan to respond to crying? Too much crying?
Will both parents participate?
When is the best time to begin?
Do I have to coach the entire night?
This can be overwhelming! This is where a Sleep Consultant can really shine! I guide parents through all of these pieces of a sleep plan. And we work together to adapt the plan to the parents’ comfort level.
For instance:
Can’t handle lengthy crying episodes? You can use a tool I call the Pickup-to-Calm tool.
Want to slow everything down? With the Kinder Method, you can decide to use the Night 1 response for 3 nights instead of just one; Night 2 response for 3 nights; and Night 3 response for 3 nights.
Only want to work on bedtime? Then, just work on bedtime! When falling asleep at bedtime is easy, then work on the time between bedtime and midnight, then move to the whole night.
I really love the flexibility of this plan! Each family dynamic I encounter is unique, and I like to think through what will work best in any given situation.
Interested in learning more about The Kinder Method? Let’s talk!
Reach out to me at Stargazer Sleep Consulting and we will put a plan together that will work for you and your family!
